I've got that funny feeling in my head - you know, the one you get when you're not quite sure where you are, where you're going, or if you even really want to go. I'm sitting at my desk here in London; it's pretty much the only semi-organized thing in my room right now. And it's just funny because my bedroom really does seem to reflect the state of my mind at the moment. The fact that the room is a mess is because I'm moving out of here in a week, and am trying to pack up before crunch time. As for my head, well, that's entirely explanable by the fact that as this scholastic year nears its finale at the end of exams, I'm faced with anything but relaxation. In fact, rather than R&R, the summer months bring me with 50-hr work weeks, yet another course, and study time for perhaps the most important test of my life - the LSATs. In a nutshell, this summer marks the point of real necessity...I'm faced with having to make some hard decisions about what I want to do with this life of mine, and subsequently figure out some priorities. I suppose I've already made one choice. The fact that I'm actually bothering with summer school pretty much commits me to my Certificate in Ethics. Without the certificate, there's no need for the summer school. So I've already made that judgement call. From what I've been hearing from my boss over at Enbridge, it's gonna be some "chunky" work this summer. As if I haven't already been challenged at work the past 2 summers, Mark has decided that it's time to teach me a little bit about law, and give me a chance to really test the waters. That, compounded by the fact that I have to write the LSATs next year and hence have to study this summer, is pretty much going to make, or break, what has been a lifelong goal of mine.

I have this scrapbook thing that my mom started for me when I was little...it's basically a scrapbook of my years at school. Every year, there was a little space where I got to specify "what I wanted to be when I 'grew up'". The book listed a whole bunch of options with little checkboxes beside them, naming off choices like "teacher", "police officer", "doctor"...but ever since I was 9 or 10, I created my own little checkbox - Lawyer. So, sitting here, a full decade later, and faced with the very real possibility of getting that ball rolling scares the shit out of me. Between my less than stellar academic performance of my university career, and the nature of the months ahead, who knows if I'll be able to actually materialize this dream of mine. I've been dreaming about this since I was 10...if it doesn't happen for me, I seriously do not know what to do with my life. I really don't know what I'd want to do. And that scares me.

Ugh. And I'm frustrated and annoyed with a whole bunch of other things, but I'm not quite sure I want to talk about them. Frankly, I've already bored myself with this blogging. I'm abandoning it. Sorry.

Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Why? Because I didn't get to see him. He had some essay to write, blah, blah, blah, and that I should give him a call tonight instead. Frankly, I should have known. Whatever. I'm done with this shit. You try, and you try, and you try, and then you reach a breaking point. Well, I've reached it. I've gotten to the threshold where I realize that for the past however long, I've been making all the effort. I don't give a shit whether or not he said that he wanted to go back to being best friends. Fine, so show it. I'm done. Maybe he just doesn't need me like he used to, that's cool...it happens I guess.

Well, I'm not going to lie, it hurts, a lot. Fact of the matter is, I'm a little heartbroken. But it's a right of passage. No one is ever going to get through life without a little heart break.

I miss him though...

Going to see him on Thursday for the first time since December...It's the first time I'll be seeing him since he told me to move on....It's kind of the test to see how well-adjusted we are, whether or not it'll be awkward, whether or not we've moved on...and whether or not we both still have the same feelings for each other but for whatever reason we've gotta supress them...perhaps even whether or not we are capable of supressing them. I'm one big ball of emotion right now - excitement, anxiety, worry, anticipation, disappointment, hopefulness...I've got a million things going on in my head. The major thing though, is that I'm nervous. Really nervous. It feels kind of silly - he's my best friend, and I'm hideously nervous to see him.

I'm debating whether or not I should say something to him. Just to make sure he knows exactly that I've put everything to the side because I just want to be the best friend he needs me to be, and I really hope that there's no awkwardness between us. I don't know if that will serve as a benefit or detriment to the whole situation.

Please God...just let this go well.....

I found this in a little stash of things that have meant something to me over the years...I don't know why I felt the need to share it, but I hope you enjoy....

This is What You Do to Me

You brushed me off like you always do...
I'm a piece of dirt on your sleeve,
An obstacle in your path.
Is that all I really am?

You didn't do that a few months ago.
I'm taking the hint.
I'll make this easy for you,
and leave.

I love you.
I hate you.
I need you.
Don't want you.

I am left stranded
Like a broken car, miles from anywhere,
You're the other drivers
Who ignore me and drive away

You said you'd love me forever,
Now you're packing up and leaving.
You said I'd always be yours,
Now you're saying I'm on my own.

You're sweet,
You're sour,
You're predictable,
You're confusing.

We wanted to take it slow,
You're speeding away.
We'd live together,
I'm dying alone.

Shared words,
Broken promises,
A thousand truths...
A million lies.

You smile;
You frown;
You come running;
You turn around...

I love your everything.
I hate your anything.
I need you with me,
Don't want you around me.

Your smile,
Confusingly predictable.
Your frown,
Predictably confusing.

Don't leave me.
Go away.
Comfort me.
Let me cry.

This is what you do to me,
Love, hate, passion, disgust,
Confusion.
Confusion!

This is what you do to me,
Make me live,
Let me die.
Confusion.

I love you and I hate you.
You're sweet, but you're sour...
You let me live, yet leave me to die.
Stranded...

I'm better off without you.
I don't want to live without you.
Confused by your predictability.
Predicting your confusion.

Black versus White.
Lies versus Truth.
You versus Me.
The war...

Go away.
Don't go.
Kiss me slowly.
Leave me quickly.

Lie to me.
Tell me you love me.
Try to make me hate you,
When I really love you...

This is what you do to me.

So today was my first official day free of responsibilities...finally. Too bad it's only going to last for a week. I'm not going to lie, the break is soooo welcome, between my damn feasibility study, and my philosophy paper I clearly hit burn out this week. Needless to say, I'm rather pissed that it's 4:15am and I can't sleep.

Not that it should really surprise me - Michelle and I had one of our usual little dates, and it obviously involved Tim Horton's. So when you have a large coffee at 10 at night, chances are you're not going to be able to sleep. But this is ridiculous. I have to get up at 9:30, and by the time I fall asleep that's going to equal pretty well close to nothing. Oh well, serves me right.

So as per usual, Michelle and I had a great time. As boring as Markham is, we always seem to have a relaxed, but good time. We went out for dinner at Milestones...I don't know if any of you watched the TV show "Ready or Not", but the girl who played Busy works at the Milestones...it's pretty weird to see her in the kitchen cooking up our meals. Haha. Then we just went back to my place, grabbed a coffee, and back to my place again. I swear, that girl and I could talk for hours upon hours.

She brought up a good point though...about my little dilemma with this friend of mine who has purposely been left nameless...Y'think I was settling? That perhaps lonliness kicked in to such an extent, that I went for what I thought at the time was a sure thing. And the fact that I had those little pangs of jealousy when I was around him & his girlfriend may have in fact just been jealousy that she took some of the attention that had always otherwise been directed at me. Y'know, rather than the jealousy stemming from the fact that I actually had feelings for him? I'm not going to lie - the thought crossed my mind. And to have Michelle point out to me that she was worried that settling was indeed what I was doing, somewhat left me toying with that thought again.  Perhaps this is just me speaking from a spot of disappointment, embarassment, and rejection, and thus I'm grasping for something to make me feel like I wasn't at hurt as I was/am by it all. But maybe I was settling. And what I'm mourning is not the fact that he rejected me, but rather the fact that I thought he was always my sure thing, and in fact - it didn't turn out that way at all...

What a horrible thought eh? I don't think it's the case...Anyway, I hope to see him sometime this week, so that should help me decipher what I was/am feeling...Cuz afterall, if I was just settling, I shouldn't really feel anything when I see him, but if I really did like him, I'll get some kind of emotion pulling at me, right? Well...here's to that test. Let's hope all goes well...

Let's also hope that I don't do anything stupid and fuck things up again. Cuz honestly, sometimes with me, you never know...